"it feels so weird if i haven't seen you in more than a day or two.. i miss your beautiful smile, your amazing eyes, the way you look at me.
i miss the silly stuff we laugh about the most. am i stupid for thinking you might love me as much as i love you? are there too many blockades and hurdles?
i'll break through them all. because you're worth it. a zillion times over. because you're the most amazing girl i've ever met, even if you don't believe me; maybe someday you'll believe me.. i never want to be the guy you're afraid of hurting. i dive into things fully aware of the possible out comes.
i'm sorry, i know you're either asleep or preoccupied. don't feel pressured to respond. it's just what i've been thinking about. sleep tight abbey." - josh jones <3

i wish i could tell you that you're perfect, josh; i think so.
but every time i try to say it the words just don't seem to fit.
i love you :] <3

Remember when we'd fight everyday?
Remember when we hadn't met yet? neither do i.. ;]
Remember when we told scary stories in my barn attic in the pitch black?
Remember when we used the Ouija board and made wax fingerprints, thinking it would make it work better?
Remember 'you shuduna dun that! he's just a boy!'?
Remember sliding under the trampoline and getting water poured on your head?
Remember how in love we were?
Remember living in the pool every day of the summer?
Remember dreaming of having our licenses and how far away that seemed?
Remember running through the woods pretending to be animals?
Remember teaching our cats to 'fly'? ;D
Remember our mosh pit with our $20 strobe light and only four people?
Remember napping in the grass everyday after school?
Remember the first time i stayed over your house?
Remember playing 'four corners' in the playroom?
Remember popping bubble wrap and having our own 'houses' in your dad's barn?
Remember 'quarry, rock, rock, quarry, quarry, rock'?
Remember staying up all night when we were kids, just to see what it felt like?
Remember talking in chat rooms pretending like we were 16, and thinking that was old?
Remember when we slept in a tent in your back yard in the pouring rain?
Remember when we watched Avatar every day of our lives for three months? haha
Remember when we decided we were going to dress up to see the live action Avatar movie? haha
Remember when you didn't live with me?
Remember when we went camping in your yard, and neither of our mothers knew? i only told two people.
Remember when we used to take turns playing Halo 1 in the office until at least 5 am? in the times i wasn't playing, i would read the Warriors books.
Remember when we were horribly obsessed with the Warriors books? now its Redwall.
Remember when you me and my dad went to see Jurassic Park III?
Remember when me and Caitlin lit news paper on fire and put it in your yard while you were in the other room? hahah
Remember my first time drinking?
Remember the pizza we made with a whole clove of garlic? and Chad ate almost all of it. haha
Remember the fireworks at Winnipesaukee and how long they went on for?
Remember when you fell asleep on the tree and fell off, and i couldn't stop laughing?
Remember driving around during the ice storm and thinking it was the apocalypse?
Remember when we climbed out on my roof and drank mike's hard and had an endless conversation on life and the universe?
Remember when i had chickens?
Remember Willie?
Remember playing the color game in the pool at midnight?
Remember when we decided that we had so much in common that we needed to hang out again, and never did? i'll call you soon.
Remember Christmas at your house when you just got Jake and i thought he was a toy?
Remember Vannessa's bridal shower?
Remember Sox?
Remember in fourth grade when i missed two weeks of school because i had to drive to Pennsylvania and back a two times?
Remember our family reunion in Canada and how much fun that was?
Remember when we hunted our own grouse and then cleaned them and dissected them and laughed at how small the brains were?
Remember helping Grandma make the deer steak cabobs and how grossed out you were?
Remember when your car got hijacked and we almost killed them? ;]
Remember the first day we met and how much my life has changed since then?
Remember when we went to the park and went on the swings with only our bathing suits on?
Remember whe mom almost killed us when we brought the bearded dragon home? haha
Remember when we saw aliens in the back yard? hahahah
Remember how long it took for our xbox to red-ring? :[
Remember that night we stayed up for hours making up smiley faces? [|:]
Remember when i dropped my phone in the toilet at your beach house?
Remember when your family loved me?
Remember when choir boys were sexy? haha
Remember when Helen Keller was woebegone?
Remember playing 'Apples to Apples'?
Remember the snakes?
Remember spending every day of our summer in my computer room playing Guitar Hero? :] i miss those days
Remember sitting on the rock in the field, swatting mosquitoes, but tolerating them because the clouds were so beautiful?
Remember when you asked me to meet you at your house late at night? and i did
Remember when we were candy junkies? ;]
Remember our flower salads? with pink lemonade dressing? hahaha
Remember how we unknowingly put poisonus leaves in our flower salads? hahahaha
Remember playing Sims 2 for seven hours straight?
Remember when lizards were snakes..? or when were snakes lizards? haha
Remember how everytime we brought another animal home, mom swore it was the last one and threatened to kick us out if we brought one more home?
Remember how badly we wanted to go to Europe? and now we are :]
Remember my old man glasses? i just put them on :]
Remember waking up to Lamp Chops being sung at the top of his lungs every morning at 8:30?
Remember when you used to sing Lamb Chops at 8:30am and woke us up? ;]
Remember when it rained for almost all of the first month of summer? yea..
Remember 'because you're a fucker!!"
Remember when i promised i'd love you unconditionally? well, i keep my promises..
Remember listening to the whole Coldplay's 5 disc discography on the way to and from Winnipesaukee?
Remember listening to the bearded dragon crunch on his crickets?
Remember when you wrote 'fun box' twice on the wall?
Remember 'i wonder what a bearded dragon would taste like?'? haha
Remember playing ' pool, hottub, pool, hottub, pool, hottub, etc ' at your house in New Hampshire?
Remember eating endless amounts of popsicles and ice cream at your house in New Hampshire? haha
Remember 'snarl'? haha
Remember staying up til 6:00am and still thinking it was only 3:00? haha
Remember screaming in the car and scaring Elvis so bad? hahaha
Remember ending up in Auburn coming back from the movies? hahaha
Remember that time in the cafe when you talked to me about Batman for a good 45 minutes?
Remember when we grew up together? and now you're moving, far away.
Remember 'corny armpits'? hahaha
Remember spying every day of our lives? haha
Remember kneeling down in waist deep water making it look like we were in the middle of the lake? :]
Remember when we said we'd go on that road trip? or foot trip? we will :]
Remember 'what movies did you get, abbey?' -- 'oh, i got The Others' -- 'yea, what others?' -- 'THE Others!' -- 'WHAT others?' and that went on for a few minutes. hahaha
Remember when we used to find baby mice in the woods all the time and try to raise them?
Remember when i fell off the trampoline and got knocked unconscious?
Remember all our failed attempts at yardsales?
Remember when i used to see you all the time, big brother? and now i haven't seen you in over a month.
Remember when i was everyone's 'Dr. Phil'? :] i liked that
Remember when we found bones in the floor and were convinced someone had died there? i'm still convinced.
Remember 'who's Anette?'
Remember when you promised you'd always be there?



memories are always being made, so this list will keep growing. it will probably be updated on my myspace more than here so, check it: [link]

and uh, yea, comment your memories with me, or with whoever. just unleash the memories :]
afterall, when we get old memories will be all that we have left; make 'em good!

i really miss the sun when its not around.
i need my vitamin d man! ;]

lately its been out, and i've been happy as a plumb :]
i'm aware that ' plum ' does not have a 'b', but i think it should

and now i'm going to do this survey that's been down a long line of stolen-ness. :]


10 Things I Wish I Could Say To People:
1. i'm sorry we don't hang out anymore man, i just feel like i don't like who you've become.
2. i'm sorry we don't hang out anymore, but its because i feel like i don't like who i've become.
3. we need to get together, pronto.
4. i'm so fucked up, don't let me hold you down. i wish i could tell you this.. but agh.. i suck.
5. i, for real, wish i could talk to you day and night (and that makes me think of the kid cudi song..)
6. i love you, i'm so happy i met you :] yer my biff.
7. lets take that road trip :] (you know who you are ;D )
8. i wish we could be what we used to be.
9. i want you out of my life.
10. don't let irresponsible friends drag you down too.

9 things about myself:
1. i'm wayy too nice for my own good. it gets me into a lot of not fun situations.
2. i eventually want to be wealthy, but i don't want to show it off. i want a small house
3. i so wish i was able to fly. it has always been my dream and it will happen..
4. i'm also wayy too crazy for my own good. i very often contemplate my own sanity. very often.
5. i do eventually want to write a book, i don't know what it will be about yet, but i want to.
6. a lot of the time, i hate who i've become. even though i love it, i hate what i had to give up to get here. and that makes me not like me.
7. i love listening to people's problems, and that make me consider being a therapist..but i think eventually it would all build up and lead to suicide. which is weird for me to think about. but i like people telling me their problems.
8. i'm getting sick of this 'confessions' thing. haha
9. if i don't like you, then you messed up major. it takes A LOT for me to not like someone.

8 ways to win my heart:
1. don't be aggressive. i tend to like what i can't have.
2. don't be a debbie downer.
3. be opinionated, but don't preach.
4. be yourself, all the time. if i don't like you for you, chances are i won't like who you're trying to be either.
5. accept me for who i am, because once i open up to you, you have my entire trust and breaking that breaks me.
6. be openminded and optimistic.
7. make me laugh!
8. be sweet :] because i'm a girl and that lame. haha

7 things that cross my mind a lot:
1. what i'm not doing with my life.
2. my future, and how scared i am of it.
3. me and my guy issues. i tend to have a lot.
4. my friends
5. my past and how great and blissful i used to be, how we all used to be.
6. what is this going to do for me in the long-run?
7. food.

6 things I do before I fall asleep:
1. eat
2. wash my face
3. brush my teeth
4. strip down, depending on the temperature.
5. check myspace and facebook
6. put my blankie around my neck

5 places I want to visit:
1. everywhere
2. everywhere
3. ireland
4. california
5. everywhere..

4 things I'm wearing right now:
1. "boxer boxer" pants
2. super comfy tank-top
3. my old-man reading glasses
4. jewelery, a lot of it.

3 bands/artists that I listen to often:
1. Incubus
2. Coldplay
3. Dispatch

2 things I want to do before I die:
1. travel
2. live!

1 confession:
don't get too close to me.. it could be dangerous to either of us.

i feel like i could write a book with that title..


why is it that we feel the need to make others jealous?
even i do it, as ashamed as i am to say it

i think its because we're so insecure about our own lives.. about what we have, who we have, when we have it and for how long.

if someone were to ask me if i was insecure, i'd say, 'well sure, a bit. but i'm happy'
"do you enjoy making people envious of you?"
'i suppose i do. but i don't like when i'm jealous.. so i'm not too sure why i'd do that: put other people through as much pain as i go through..'
"why do you try to make people jealous?"
'because i want them to miss me. i want to feel loved by someone. i want to be chased. pursued. i like playing with people's heads. i don't know why. i like hearing they miss me. i don't know why i do it. missing someone has to be the worst feeling anyone could ever have..'


agh..i don't know where i'm going with this. i'm fighting with my own mind. i try not to get jealous, i try so hard. but it bothers me so much when i used to be so close to someone that i could just sense when they were hurt, and now i couldn't even tell you the first thing about their current life.. and it kills me that i've spent so much time with one person, that we've both spent time with eachother, and it can be just tossed out or forgotten for fear of being jealous..

i just hate who i've become sometimes. i miss what i used to have. who i used to have. i've lost so much in the recent past and i miss it. i'm not saying i'd want to change the fact that i have lost.. because its made me strong and who i am. its made me me.

they say its better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. but i'm not so sure i agree with that right now..

this is kinda one of those mood swing things that i'm about to talk about..but yea.

i have these days where i just get really frustrated with people (the inspiration for 99% of my journals. haha) and i just kinda unload and tell them everything negative about them. and i make it blatantly obvious that i'm having a bad day and all. then once i'm feeling better i usually apologize and make it all better.
and yea, i'm done doing that. because 90% of the time, when i freak out, it's for a good reason and they're feelings i actually feel but i'm usually just too nice of a person to let them show. but i'm done letting people walk all over me and i'm done letting them hurt me. if you don't give two shits about my well being, then uhh.. i don't give two shits about your well being.

also, i'm so sick of being a nobody. i feel so useless in the world. i'm seventeen and i do nothing. lately i've just been hating the life i'm living. its lame. and i'm done.

peace.



..and..fuck. my cat died recently..and i've been a total mess..

what do i do? :[